One can only imagine how difficult it is to explain to your children why their parents are divorcing.  The questions, the pleading, the tears, the apologies and the shattered desire of sheltering your children from life’s pain.  For a parent that puts their children first, this pain has to be right at the top of the list of unpleasant experiences. However, others use that moment not to delicately guide their children into their new existence, but to destroy the other parent in the eyes of the children.  Too often children are intentionally sucked into divorce litigation and they become the victims of their parent’s need to win at all costs.

A recent article provides a thoughtful analysis of the process of explaining to your children that you are divorcing.  There are right ways to tell the children and there are certainly wrong ways to tell the children. The article recommends the following steps as the correct way to ease your children into a divorce:

1. Tell your kids together, despite your differences.  They need to see that both of you will still be their parents.
2. Don’t blame or criticize your spouse.  Accept responsibility for the split and use this as a first step in developing a new relationship with your children as divorced parents.
3. Explain what post-divorce life will look like for the children.
4. Rehearse the conversation with your spouse.  Anticipate the questions and be prepared with responses.
5. Remind the children that they did nothing to cause the divorce.
6. Be patient and give your children time to adjust.

Anyone divorcing, with children, would do well to take the points mentioned in the article and use them in discussing divorce with their children.

Holidays can be filled with stress in even the most solid families but in divorced or divorcing families, they can quickly become one of the most miserable times of the year.  Finances usually come into play, as well as increased demands on time, but the misery that parents sometimes experience usually results more from their need to be inflexible and unyielding in their plans as well as the need to feel as if they “beat” their former spouse.  Unfortunately, this behavior typically results in the children enjoying the holiday less as well, making everyone unhappy.  Put the children first and leave the fighting out of the picture.  Common sense and focusing on helping the children enjoy the holiday is the best pathway to an enjoyable holiday.  Here is a good article that addresses some of the issues.

Merry Christmas!

A recent survey has indicated that marriage rates are at an all time low.  In the 1960’s the median age for marriage was around 20 but now, the median age has risen to 26 for women and 29 for men. Rising divorce rates have contributed to the statistics as well as economic concerns.  What is most troubling though is that the survey reflects a sense of apathy towards marriage in general as evidenced by this quote: “A Pew survey last year determined that more than four in 10 Americans younger than 30 consider marriage passe.  ”They see it as an obselete social environment,” said D’Vera Cohn, a Pew researcher who co-wrote the analysis.”  Unfortunately, out-of-wedlock births have not followed the same path.

A study from the United Stated Department of Health and Human Resources shows that non-marital births are at greater risk of low birth weight, preterm birth and infant mortality than children born to married women.  The study also shows that children born to single mothers have more limited social and economic resources than those born to marriage.  Yet the 2007 data used in the study shows that  4 in 10 children were born out of wedlock, reflecting a 5% increase in unmarried birth since 2006, a 21% increase since 2002 and an 80% increase since 1980.

When you look at the declining marriage statistics, the changing view of marriage by young Americans and skyrocketing out-of-wedlock births, you begin to see a grim portrait of America’s future.  It appears that Americans have slowly moved toward a more narcissistic existence, one in which self-satisfaction comes first and commitment to family comes second. Why else would the statistics show declining marriage rates yet rising birth rates among unmarried people?  One only has to hang around your local family court to see the problems that result from out-of-wedlock births.  Court are jammed with single mothers begging for financial assistance from absent fathers while vehemently opposing the father’s efforts to have a relationship with his child.  If this trend continues, marriage will soon be a minority as will children born to marriage.   One has to wonder what the long term effects of this trend will have on the country if it continues since the trend sheds light on a much larger issue not addressed by the statistics – the decline of traditional views of morality.

Despite their  ”Bible Belt” status, Mississippi and other southern states have a higher rate of divorce than states in the Northeast. Surprising, right? Click here to read an article regarding the divorce findings of a U.S. Census Bureau report.

Some theorize that the South’s higher divorce rate is caused by getting married too young.  While I disagree with the writer’s underlying agenda to discredit the sexual values instilled by Christianity, the statistical variance between Southern divorce rates and Northeastern divorce rates should be studied. There may be a lesson to be learned from Northeasterner’s who routinely marry much later in life, the theory being that with age comes maturity, education, and a realistic approach to marriage. No one can argue that maturity, education and realism are necessary equipment for a successful marriage.

I’m a divorce lawyer and believe it or not, I hate divorce. Yes, you read that correctly, I hate divorce. The truth is I’m a child of divorced parents. I’ve both felt the pain of divorce and I’ve witnessed it by watching my parents in the 20 years since they ended their marriage. Given my personal experience and my professional experience of representing many clients in divorce I feel I owe it to my friends, family and future clients to give you these warnings about divorce. Please read carefully.

The sting of divorce takes years and years to fade and its consequences last a lifetime. From the time you divorce until the day of your demise you will always be an ex-wife or ex-husband. And the consequences aren’t limited to just the divorcing spouses. Divorce is more akin to a cluster bomb than it is a rifle bullet. Its reach is far and wide. You will lose relationships with friends and family members and maybe even business associates and co-workers if you get divorced. Not all of them mind you, but some of them.

Divorce is not a cure for unhappiness.  In my experience, people who seek a divorce as a tonic for unhappiness are disappointed almost 100 percent of the time. Getting a divorce because you are unhappy is like quitting work because you don’t make enough money. It’ll only make it worse.

Divorce will not make you a better parent. Don’t believe the lie that your children are far better off if you get divorced just because you and your spouse are frequently at odds or are struggling through seemingly insurmountable difficult times. Children need to see parents argue and disagree and work through their differences. Watching two people who love each other or once loved each other struggle to work through life’s difficulties is far better for your children than seeing you give up. Marriage was meant to be forever. Children know that at a very early age. Why do you think they love Disney Princess movies so much? You will not “help” your children by giving up on your marriage.

Divorce will not make your life easier. It’ll only be more difficult. Trust me. It’s more expensive. It’s inconvenient. You will lose relationships. Your life will be more difficult if you get divorced. This is not a prediction. It is a guarantee.

Divorce will not lead to a relationship with someone else who will make you more happy than your current spouse. It won’t. Briefly, maybe. But those feelings of lust and a yearning to be with that other person will eventually subside. Just like they did with your current spouse. They will. I promise. And then you’ll realize that you’re married to someone as a result of a tragic mistake that you made while married to your first spouse. Or you’ll just find yourself in the same level of unhappiness as you had with your first spouse. Either way, this will happen. Believe me.

Divorce is not a cure for financial hardship. It’s not. Divorce is expensive. Even with a “cheap” divorce lawyer. Being responsible for your own household is expensive. If you get divorced I can assure you that your financial situation will get more complicated. Not less. Your child support will not go as far as you think it will, and alimony is hard to get. It is. I promise.

Divorce will not be more fun. It won’t. You will enjoy very few nights on the town before you realize you are lonely and would like companionship. You will then begin the quest for a second spouse. This will happen. I guarantee it.

Look, I could go on and on about the disappointment you will find in divorce. If you’re considering a divorce please consider it very, very carefully. It’s a decision that will remain with you for the rest of your life.

Am I blogging myself out of a career? No. I’m not. Unfortunately, the sad truth in our present world is that some marriages really do need to end. Some spouses commit adultery. Some people unfortunately really are in prisons disguised as marriages. Some people are emotionally and physically abused. Some spouses are abandoned and there’s  nothing left to do but call me.

I’m not writing myself out of a job. I’ll always have clients. But I want you to know, if you’re coming to me because you think I’m going to make your life better, chances are, I’m not.

But if you want to talk about it, I’m here.

When does online or text flirting become cheating? That is not a simple question to answer in the context of a divorce but a recent article has articulated nine red flags that may indicate that more than flirting is occurring.  While none of the listed factors are proof that a spouse is cheating, they are an excellent indicator that more investigation is needed. In fact, a study indicated that the Internet is typically the first step toward the ultimate goal of real-life cheating.  If you suspect your spouse is cheating, call us immediately because you may need to act quickly to preserve evidence critical to your divorce.

Mississippi Code Ann. 93-7-1 states that, “All bigamous or incestuous marriages are void, and a declaration of nullity may be obtained at the suit of either party.”  A bigamous marriage is one in which one of the parties is already legally married to another.  An incestuous marriage is defined by Miss. Code Ann. 93-1-1, which states:

(1) The son shall not marry his grandmother, his mother, or his stepmother; the brother his sister; the father his daughter, or his legally adopted daughter, or his grand-daughter; the son shall not marry the daughter of his father begotten of his stepmother, or his aunt, being his father’s or mother’s sister, nor shall the children of brother or sister, or brothers and sisters intermarry being first cousins by blood. The father shall not marry his son’s widow; a man shall not marry his wife’s daughter, or his wife’s daughter’s daughter, or his wife’s son’s daughter, or the daughter of his brother or sister; and the like prohibition shall extend to females in the same degrees. All marriages prohibited by this subsection are incestuous and void.

(2) Any marriage between persons of the same gender is prohibited and null and void from the beginning. Any marriage between persons of the same gender that is valid in another jurisdiction does not constitute a legal or valid marriage in Mississippi.

Marriages that are founded on bigamy or incest are considered void  in Mississippi and may be set aside by either spouse or by third parties.  Once granted, an annulment is as if the marriage never occurred.

Mississippi Code 93-7-3 addresses situations where marriages are “voidable” by spouses but are not necessarily void unless one of the spouses raises the issue.  The statute lists five situations where a marriage is voidable if the situation exists at the time of marriage:

1.  Incurable impotency;

2.  Adjudicated mental illness or incompetence of either or both parties;

3.  Failure to meet licensing requirements if not followed by cohabitation;

4.  Lack of consent, whether through physical means, age, mental acuity, fraud or force, provided that the cause for annulment is brought within six months after discovery;

5.  Wife’s pregnancy by another, as long as the husband did not know of the pregnancy and the action is brought within six months after discovery of the pregnancy.

Children born from marriages that are annulled for reasons other than incest are considered legitimate and are governed by same rules applied in divorces.  Children born of an incestuous marriage are considered illegitimate.  Miss. Code Ann. 93-7-5.

Annulments are not as common as divorces and it is rare that a client is entitled to an annulment instead of a divorce.  However, if you feel that you may be entitled to an annulment, it is critical that you meet with an attorney immediately since there are time limitations as well as potential defenses that may prohibit an annulment.

One of the most problematic aspects of divorce (aside from child custody) is money. There’s often not enough to go around. If you are considering divorce be realistic about your finances and plan ahead. One way to be prepared is to read informative articles like this one regarding common money mistakes made during divorce.

Unless you have been living in a hole with no access to news, you have undoubtedly heard of the scandal involving Congressman Anthony Weiner, who recently resigned after it was revealed that the married congressman had sexual conversations with females, sent females lewd photographs of himself and then publicly blamed the fiasco on a “hacker.” What started as a foray into the temptations of internet anonymity and access, ended with public embarrassment, career destruction and possible divorce. Weiner’s public self-destruction teaches the average married person a valuable lesson in trust, proper marital boundaries and the use of technology to facilitate “internet infidelity.”

Engaging in sexual conversations, flirting and conversing with someone other than your spouse via email, Twitter, Facebook or text messaging destroys the trust between spouses. Often, the ease of communication can lead to very intimate “electronic” relationships that give the appearance of infidelity.  In my opinion, the presence of an “internet infidelity” can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair because the innocent spouse will always believe that a physical affair has occurred or is in the process of occurring. Once the suspicion of an affair takes hold, a divorce complaint often follows since the discovery of adultery usually begins with suspicion.

Adultery is a ground for divorce in Mississippi and is defined as “voluntary sexual intercourse of a married person with a person other than the offender’s spouse.” Owen v. Gerity, 422 So. 2d 284, 287 (Miss. 1982). Because of the secretive nature of adultery, direct proof is not required and one may prove adultery by circumstantial evidence. Essentially, to prove adultery by circumstantial evidence, the proof must show (1) a spouse’s adulterous nature, which usually involves infatuation or adulterous inclination and (2) a reasonable opportunity to act on the infatuation or inclination.  Facts that support a finding of adultery have been secretive actions by a spouse, frequent telephone calls and letters to a suspected paramour.  Clearly, engaging in intimate conversations with someone not your spouse over the internet, by text message or other means will likely satisfy the element of proving infatuation or adulterous inclination.  However, unless you are able to prove a reasonable oppurtunity to act on the infatuation or adulterous inclination, then you will be unable to obtain a divorce on the basis of adultery (unless there is an admission or some form of direct proof).

Engaging in actions such as those committed by Anthony Weiner may not constitute grounds for divorce alone, but it is likely that with proper investigation, proof of reasonable opportunity may be discovered.  If you suspect your spouse is committing adultery and you are considering divorce, it is important that you speak with a lawyer before confronting your spouse.  With proper legal advice, steps may be taken to preserve evidence and to make sure you are able to present the strongest case possible. Additionally, if you suspect adultery, it is critical that you do not resume a sexual relationship with your spouse because if you do, the law considers you to have forgiven your spouse of the adultery and you will be unable to use the adultery as a ground for divorce. You may ultimately decide that forgiveness is the best course of action for your family but you should first seek legal advice from a competent divorce attorney so that you have the knowledge to make an informed decision as to your marriage.

One of the most overlooked issues in divorces are the potential tax consequences.  Often, spouses are so focused on just getting divorced that they take actions that are not in their financial best interests.  It is also common for spouses to be so emotionally distraught over the course of a divorce that they refuse to consider options that will benefit them when filing their tax returns.  One example is when spouses have the option of filing a joint return but stubbornly refuse to do so, without realizing that the tax burden could be lessened for both parties.  Here is a good article from Time.com that addresses some important taxation issues in divorces.  And since it is tax time, here’s another that addresses some common mistakes people make in filing their annual returns.